Like many people, I grew up in a dysfunctional family with an alcoholic adult. I was in a constant power struggle with my step-parent and our relationship was fraught with contempt and self-righteousness. At least on my part. I felt powerless and held onto this duo of emotions as a drowning person with a lifejacket.

Self-righteousness and contempt kept me afloat. Until they threatened to sink me and my chance for happiness.

As I carried these emotions into adulthood, I used my cloak of self-righteousness to keep and hold power over others. Notably, those closest to me. My “love” was contingent upon obedience to my will. Lack of obedience would result in my contempt; a lack of respect. I was behaving horribly to those I loved most. But why? What was I gaining that kept the cycle going?

Yes, I went to counseling. And several weekend personal growth seminars.

And I discovered that I was …OMG… wrong.

But I was not a horrible person. My early training with an addicted and dysfunctional role model had imprinted on me a sense that if I was “wrong” I might die. Literally, die. No wonder I fought so hard to be right and bend others to my will! I was programmed to believe it was a necessary to survive -- my payoff was survival. But I was wrong in my thinking and I didn’t die. Eureka!

What I didn’t realize when I was younger, was how much I gave up by clinging to my lifejacket of self-righteousness and contempt. I gave up happiness, because I was either in despair or resentful that the world wasn’t as I thought it should be. I gave up trusting people because they would always disappoint me. I gave up questions and curiosity because I already knew the answers (or pretended to). I gave up love, because loving made me vulnerable. And I gave up joy, because I wanted control.

Eventually, it came down to this question -- what did I want and value more -- being right or being happy?

The choice was really that simple....